Futile Attempts At Trying To Be Yourself

10 posts

(Everyone add your thoughts and experiences regarding death and dying here. I will start.)

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/embed/YZX58fDhebc

Lately in my life from time to time I have had these sort of... "mortality panic attacks." I do not know if it is from my experiences with ayahuasca, or spending too much time amongst tomb and ruin, or just from merely getting older... perhaps all these factors combined. They always strike, usually randomly or out of nowhere, when I am in bed and trying to sleep or dozing off. When they begin I lose any sense of calm or tranquility and immediately leap out of bed and am unable to calm down or get back to a normal functioning state... or at least it is very difficult to. It is like going into a sort of "fight or flight" mode except that you can not do neither and are stuck in between. You are totally trapped in your body and you know the experience will come, it is only a matter of time... This is the truth for everybody. Most just are not aware of it or rarely think of it, if they even want think of it, that is. You know how sometimes you become too aware of your breathing and you interrupt the natural flow of your automatic respiration? Then you are stuck taking all your breaths manually until you finally get it back to automatic again? Well... most people just walk around and about in blissful unawareness without the slightest idea of what death or dying is... What it is like to stop breathing... To have your heart stop... To cut off all function to your brain... To lose all your files, archives, data... Your character, your personality, your interests... Gone. You lose who you are.


The first time I had such a "mortality panic attack" occur to me was on the night of Oct. 7, 2012... It took me a week to fully recover from. Doing basic things like just eating was very difficult. I remember sitting at a table in a restaurant with people I knew. A few swear words could easily sum up my thoughts or experiences of the situation. I was just far too aware of the situation, just too out of it... Like observing yourself from 3rd person wondering what the hell you are doing there... sitting around... waiting... trapped in that moment in time...

Before that first "mortality panic attack", and whatever consecutive ones, the only time I ever remember having a related incident was when I was still only a child. One night I kept my parents up all night crying like crazy. I kept telling them how time went by too fast. How just yesterday I was born and was a baby, and how tomorrow I will grow old and die. I kept telling them that I did not want to be an "old man", with its eventual outcome... It was a very sad night but I was not at all in any sort of panic.

So where does the panic come from? What is it about death that scares so immensely?
Surely, to fear is to not know and to know is to not fear... but I believe there is more to it than that.

Nothing can ever be stated in 100% certainty but in most of my life experiences so far (especially with ayahuasca) I can not say that there is such a thing as an "easy" death without much ado... Your problems do not end and most certainly will not end there.

Let's look at the apparent facts:

1. Every organism no matter how simple always struggles to live and survive.

2. Upon death you lose yourself. Even if you believe in reincarnation you will never be you yourself again.

3. We still know very little about how the brain works and consciousness itself. Let alone what actually happens when we expire.

Imagine a television set cut off from the signal or a malfunctioning transmitter and reciever. Imagine a seemingly infinite white noise or something much worse. Imagine going on an infinite trip where everything goes haywire into some inside out cosmic mess that words can not even begin to describe... An endless "sleep" or blackness? Ha! Think again.


On that thought, if one equates life to order... then can death be equated to disorder? The thought frightens me deeply...

Various things to consider and reflect on:

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/embed/AkgL7oij_kM

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/embed/tvmW7CS8ihg
why does this have to be the case? I agree the fear of loss is natural, and maybe impossible to overcome for any man, but if you were created by God, how can you be so sure of your own dissolution? not that I believe in watching nascar on a fluffy white cloud after death, but the one who formed you has more than enough power to sustain you through anything. of course what the "I" or "you" is exactly is fuzzy enough. I think the "death meditation" is a commendable thing, and very humbling. Better to think about it and be unhappy than to seek escape in the world.

The body is a remote control toy that fuels itself with food and drink, the brain an on board radio that relays sensory date to the operator. Sleep is merely the operator afk. Thoughts, memories, etc are not stored in the brain... they merely generate responses in the brain such as brain waves and chemical releases. We are forced to operate these bodies as a punishment, a prison... our sentence role playing in an online game universe that tries to teach us lessons to use in the world beyond it, the world we come from. If we do well, we are allowed to move up a level and are given a new remote control toy based on our performance. If we do poorly, we are assigned a remote control toy that will teach us the lessons we failed to learn already.
Once we've completed all lessons, we are not thrown back into the game prison, but are released and given leave back to the world we came... the base dimension from which all of these fabricated realities were founded.

I know exactly what you mean. Good thread.


Interesting OP.

To the extent I believe in any sort of afterlife, I have a belief in an inevitable Judgement Day and have a rational nagging foreboding that I will not be passing muster. I suspect that may get more pronounced as I get older. I haven't had anything like a "mortality panic attack" which is an indication to me that my choice to forgo psychedelics was a wise one.


you can always try vividly imagining being stuck under a heaven object imagining that you have 2 minutes to live, it's a terrifying feeling, but worth feeling

What constitutes doing well and doing poorly in this scenario? And, if you have a conjecture, why were we ejected from the base dimension in the first place?

If I didn't know better, I'd say you were on the brink of converting to Buddhism. I can't imagine what might have influenced you to go that direction.
Doing well is getting swole on love power, absolute altruism, and becoming creative in the pursuit of relieving others suffering and maximizing happiness all around. De-eviling the universe and yourself, successfully.

I'm a solipcist. I don't believe any of this reincarnation stuff is real, because I'm the only one here or anywhere.

But you aren't your character, your personality, or your interests. What you mean by the self is actually a contingent subjectivity. It is an object of awareness, but is not that awareness itself. It is temporal and will pass with time. The absolute subjectivity of all contingent subjectivities is eternal and self-determined; it does not die because it was never born. The contingent self, with its vain strivings, is an abysmally trivial thing compared with the absolute self.

This thread = rubbish. A bunch of drug users and a nigger exchanging "experiences".