BERLIN — Bono recently had to cancel his promotion of a charity event due to "health issues." His personal doctor, von Lasen, said: "While I must insist that I do not disgress further into his condition, herr Bono is suffering from accute liver malfunction." His psychological evaluator, Nina Bergstein, who was also present, added that Bono had acquired cognitive dissonance, and would require extensive reprogrammming.
All this is due to a new high-end yet low-tech drug called Jenkem. Jenkem was made famous by African street children, and it (literally) boils down to a mixture of raw sewage — left to ferment in the Sun. The resulting gas is inhaled, giving a high. Per Preston, a scientist at the University of Cambridge, has this to say about Jenkem:
Nevertheless, Bono's addiction is feeding starving African children. Though he might have to put this habit off, others will likely follow in his footsteps — showing the world that only true solidarity can help Africa off its knees.