U2 Singer Addicted to Jenkem

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BERLIN — Bono recently had to cancel his promotion of a charity event due to "health issues." His personal doctor, von Lasen, said: "While I must insist that I do not disgress further into his condition, herr Bono is suffering from accute liver malfunction." His psychological evaluator, Nina Bergstein, who was also present, added that Bono had acquired cognitive dissonance, and would require extensive reprogrammming.

All this is due to a new high-end yet low-tech drug called Jenkem. Jenkem was made famous by African street children, and it (literally) boils down to a mixture of raw sewage — left to ferment in the Sun. The resulting gas is inhaled, giving a high. Per Preston, a scientist at the University of Cambridge, has this to say about Jenkem:

Jenkem is not like an ordinary high, say sniffing glue or smoking marihuana. It distorts your senses and makes you see stuff that isn't real, like your deceased mom, or colors that doesn't exist."
However, not everything about Jenkem is bad news. Jenkem is one of Africa's largest industries, currently engaging a quarter of Zimbabwe population. We asked Alex Head, an economist specialized in African industries, about his opinion:

The Jenkem industry is nothing short of a miracle. It creates jobs. It's also a form of sustainable development, as the increasing population and their sewage output will allow industry to expand further. Overall, the good sides of Jenkem outweigh the bad ones.
Nevertheless, Bono is a Jenkem addict. Over time, addicts of any drug acquire tolerance , meaning that the potency of the drug will decrease over time. Jenkem addiction even has a more sinister side to it. Bono recently showed up at a conference, apparently having gained some pounds. Jenkem stimulates appetite, so as to create more raw material for Jenkem production. Chronic Jenkem abuse often goes hand-in-hand with obesity, and other conditions linked to the latter, such as diabetes and liver problems. This is how Bono got a wrecked liver.

Nevertheless, Bono's addiction is feeding starving African children. Though he might have to put this habit off, others will likely follow in his footsteps — showing the world that only true solidarity can help Africa off its knees.