As part of the new Community Outreach Program of Salo in 2012, we've decided to share our wealth of knowledge and positive, judgement-free attitudes with the denizens of Gawker Media. As Gawker has a rather strict and esoteric method for approving commenters, never mind giving them star status (more on this later), I've written up this handy guide for becoming commenters. Together, I believe Gawker and Salo can achieve great things in 2012!
Things have changed a bit since I was banned, but now it seems that the best way to get your foot in the door is by creating a twitter account and then registering here:
User names are very important as your Twitter handle will also be your Gawker name. Something that's a mix of cute irreverence and identity politics or pop culture reference is best. Some possible examples are: Cat_Atheist, Boerberry, JonahHilltopSteakhouse, NiceBumDavidFrum or YourBlackFriend.
Gaining Approval (The Gawker Mindset)
Ultimately your fate as a popular commentator will depend on the approval of your commenting peers and the authors of the posts your comment on. Why doesn't Gawker Media just pay someone $16/hr to sit at home and make sure comments are on point, inoffensive and never mention that time Arianna Huffington threw a cellphone at a flight attendant like the folks at HuffPo do? Because that wouldn't be democratic!!!
As such, one has to get into the mindset of the typical Gawker commenter. Let's start with a brief demographic: between 28 and 45 years of age, lifelong Democrat, 98% white, middle to upper middle class, coastal American, and overwhelmingly female or homosexual. It's also important to note that the one thing Gawker commenters love more than getting offended at racism and transphobia is terrible, terrible puns. Entire threads often devolve into contests of oneupmanship over who can come up with the best series of puns relating to the article at hand. You may think this is corny and lame, but you're wrong. It's clever internet wit.
The typical Gawker commenter is a mix between Jodie Foster's character in Carnage and your unmarried Aunt who sends you birthday cards with a skateboarding cat playing the saxophone. Despite wishing to appear to be members of the liberal elite, the typical Gawker commenter will display no more knowledge of the world outside of Kennedy family IQ level public school civic patriotism and undergrad level Cultural Marxism. As such, it's important to be an authority on a few subjects to gain the admiration of your posting peers. Bullshitting is easy. Modern British culture is still foreign to these people. Here are some examples of personalities one could adopt to gain their approval and trust: a transgender person working for the entertainment media, a gay Arab, an Andrew Sullivan "conservative" working in the financial industry, current single mother of 3/former PA to [some fucking celebrity], or anybody who has ever read a book outside of Oprah's recommendation.
As mentioned previously, the ideal situation is to gain *star* status which means your comments will be published without editorial scrutiny as well as having the authority to approve any comments which would normally go unseen to the non-commenting viewer. This means approving other trolls and having your shameful reactionary opinions openly embarrassing the progressive reputation of Gawker. Despite their refusal to simply employ a handful of full time moderators, having their comments section look more like the New York Post than The Nation seems to be their biggest fear. Why else make such a show out of banning commenters and devoting an entire thread to "offensive" posts ?
Before their horrible design revamp, these faggots were averaging 1.75 million pageviews per day. Since then, they have been steadily increasing to meet past standards. Together: you, me, your degenerate friends at Phora or MPC can do great things. For Salo! Tommorow Belongs to Us!