March 7, 2011
Based on their entertainment value alone, I believe that the Phelps family of Topeka’s Westboro Baptist Church deserves First Amendment protection. For entirely different reasons, the US Supreme Court agreed that these loud, kooky, and possibly inbred fag-bashers deserve such protection, too. In a surprisingly lopsided 8-1 vote, the court ruled last Wednesday that the Phelps clan was safely swaddled within the Bill of Rights for picketing near a dead soldier’s funeral in March 2006.
I first encountered the pathologically fag-obsessed Reverend Fred Phelps—family patriarch and doddering pastor of a church comprising 80 or so sheep, almost all of them sheared from his loins—on a Jane Whitney Show appearance sometime around 1992. Watching the craggy Rev. Phelps punctuate every other sentence with the word FAG as if it were a bullet and seeing him bellow something like, “Jane, you warned me there’d be some FAGS in the audience, but you didn’t tell me they’s all gonna be FAGS”—was the funniest TV experience I’d had in a coon’s age.
And it had nothing to do with hating fags, just as finding the Black Israelites funny had nothing to do with hating white people. In a culture obsessed with “hate speech,” the real deal always seems disappointingly hard to find. FINALLY someone comes along filled to his salty gills with real, throbbing, vibrating, obsessive, borderline-psychotic hatred saying the things that aren’t supposed to be said in a way you couldn’t have imagined someone would ever conceive of saying them—all with such unabashed gusto, you’d think they were auditioning for a beer commercial. I enjoyed it.
I feel sorry for you if you aren’t entertained by people who say things such as Jews “hate God and worship the rectum,” the Catholic Church is “the largest, most well-funded and organized pedophile group in the history of man,” and that “Mohammed was a demon-possessed whoremonger and pedophile who contrived a 300-page work of Satanic fiction.” I find it so funny, I paused to laugh while typing it. If you can make it from 2:35-3:20 of this video without so much as a titter, I’ll pray to the Lord to give you a funny bone.
And don’t go getting all New Age and holy about how Phelps isn’t practicing “true” Christianity, at least when it comes to the homos. You bet your sodomized ASS he’s preachin’ God’s word. The Bible explicitly condemns homosexuality despite progressive revisionists ’ pathetic attempts to say it doesn’t. If you’re a Christian or a Jew, you worship a God who incinerated Sodom and Gomorrah because they were faggin’ off something awful. And if you think the Westboro Baptists are the biggest fag-bashers on Earth, you don’t know much about Muslims , little buddy.
Based on their endless words and their tireless actions, the Westboro Baptist Church seems to sincerely believe that God is punishing America for its increasing tolerance of homosexuality. They honestly seem to think that every scrawny AIDS casualty, every soldier snuffed in battle, and every random bleeding disaster victim is tasting “God’s hate” in the way that only a sadistic, torture-happy God can spoon it out to them. The sort of drive that compels this extended family of look-alikes and think-alikes to conduct an average of a half-dozen public demonstrations every day for nigh on two decades suggests they truly believe in what they do, regardless of whether people think they’re assholes.
Now, paint me pink and call me Shirley, but they are assholes of a rare caliber. Picketing the funerals of AIDS victims and slain soldiers is mortally rude. Picketing at any funeral for any reason makes you an asshole. In fact, picketing at all, even once in your life, is a good indicator that you’ve always been and will always be an asshole.
The WBC’s numerous and twice-as-obnoxious counter-protesters are assholes, too. Watch as the “anti-hate” contingent smashes in their van windows. Observe the compassionate, tolerant, and highly literate comments beneath that video…
we should kill all the members of this church and say it was gods judgement
WBC + Well aimed 21 gun salute = Problem solved
Next time the come to my terf… I’ll kill them, most likely be found no guilty, get a metal, then gather millions of americans to picked each of their funerals..
someone should really just drive by and shoot these cunts…they’d picket less and they do need to die!
If I were in the crowd, you can bet a few razor-sharp axes would be thrown at them.
They should’ve molotov cocktailed the van and burnt those fucking parasites alive.
A brick? How ‘bout a Glock!
…etc., on and on forever. There are over 5,000 comments, mostly of a similarly restrained and civil tone.
Both sides of this conflict—the Phelps clan and the people who throw bricks at them—are acting like assholes. The brick-throwing constitutes assault, but I’m glad the law allows both parties to be assholes.
I consider myself a free-speech absolutist, and I’m confident I could sit in a room with Stanley Fish for days on end with him spitting out everything that popped into his sick, lonely mind without me ever once saying, “Stop—nobody should ever say that.” Nothing any one of you could ever say would be beyond my “Pale.” All I ever care about is whether it’s true.
In cases where someone maliciously and falsely accuses someone of, say, stealing wooden nickels from five-year-old Hasidic children, there are libel and slander laws against that, and for good reason. The “right” to free speech never included a “right” to falsely accuse.
Nor should anyone have the right to foist their opinions on me. No one should be able to bust into my kitchen at 3AM to express their views about banking fraud. One should always be free to speak, but one should always have the option not to listen.
And that’s why the Supreme Court, even that new pair of female middle linebackers, ruled correctly in the Phelps case. The “God Hates Fags” gang obeyed all laws and were never closer than 1,000 feet to the funeral. The grieving father who sued them said he only noticed “the tops of the picketers’ signs when driving to the funeral, but did not learn what was written on the signs until watching a news broadcast later that night.” Ironically, if the media hadn’t blown up the protest into a news story, Mr. Snyder never would have known what the signs said. So at least in this case, the Phelpses were not getting up in people’s faces and did not disrupt the funeral. They were exercising their speech rights without being coercive about it. Case closed.
The chief battering ram being used to peck away at free speech since the 1960s has been a pretense of civil rights—a sweet-sounding concept which in practice has meant “protecting the easily bruised feelings of everyone except heterosexual white males.” Again and again, the paid agents of social re-jiggering remind us that “speech has limits” and that the Founding Fathers didn’t intend for the First Amendment to allow us to say “nigger.” The problem with that charming hypothesis is that the Founding Fathers probably said “nigger” all the time. We’d all get along far better if we didn’t care about one another’s feelings nor what others felt about us. So everyone, for the sake of our collective sanity, get over your feelings, drop the picket signs, quit the griping, lighten up, pull the 2x4 out of your ass, and get a sense of humor. The moment you do, all this wretched, despicable “hate” will seem funnier than you ever imagined it could be.